The charm of abusers
Why queers put up with dangerous partners

Publisher:  Xtra!
Year Published:  2003
Pages:  1pp   Resource Type:  Article

Abusive relationships often have a magnetic quality to them. They can be very intense, like a one-of-a-kind partnership, which also makes them very hard to leave.

Abstract: 
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Excerpt:

Emotional abuse is too easily discounted as simply an unhealthy relationship dynamic. But name calling, insults, reprimands, constant criticism and second-guessing, unpredictable mood swings, pickiness and quicksandlike arguments that last for hours and hours are all techniques aimed, consciously or not, at breaking down a partner's confidence, self-esteem, independence and ability to resist.
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Periods of relative calm, even blissful togetherness, are generally one rotation in what's known as the cycle of abuse: calm, honeymoon periods, followed by a gradual (or sudden) build-up of tension, culminating in an incident of abuse, followed by another honeymoon period, often brimming with fabulous apologies and exhilarating reconciliation.
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In true pop psychology theory, being rewarded intermittently is the strongest form of reinforcement. It's what's called living in the "potential" - the possibility of working through all the hard stuff to the nirvana on the other side. In a healthy relationship, it's a good practice to give your partner some benefit of the doubt; in an abusive situation that kind of generosity is an acute and dangerous trap.

Indeed, most healthy relationship practices backfire when applied to an abusive dynamic. Take, for example, the willingness to accept responsibility, and be open to self-reflection and self-examination. In an abusive relationship, that's an open invitation for your partner to tell you what's wrong with you and to toss entire responsibility for the health of the relationship onto your shoulders.